tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66865691991572100802024-02-20T08:15:01.345-08:00Blind Padre BlogAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06814122912008945075noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6686569199157210080.post-87128743194693274652016-06-22T06:42:00.000-07:002016-06-22T06:42:18.605-07:00<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
Why I Don’t Answer
Calls from Wayne Anymore</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
By Jeremy Dunn</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Someone better be dead if you are waking me up at 2AM,” I
mumbled, not quite alert yet agitated at this intrusion into my sleep.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Funny you should mention it…maybe you should come
outside?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There was a tension in Wayne’s voice, somewhere between
panic and frustration that brought instant clarity.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Outside, wait are you outside my house?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Right now?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What’s going on Wayne?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I fumbled with my glasses, pulled on a pair of shorts and a
t-shirt and stumbled down the stairs.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Just hurry, I’ll explain once you are out here.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I opened the door and there was Wayne…dressed like a Roman
soldier or a Spartan or some kind of warrior.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Wayne, what are you supposed to be?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why are you here?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I awake?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“It’s a costume, thanks for coming down, come on,” he said
as he grabbed my arm and pulled me toward his car.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I wasn’t aware that the Spartans issued neon green Vans to
their soldiers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a very progressive
look.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Seriously, I’m in complete meltdown mode and you are
worried about my shoes?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When we got to his car, he wrestled the sliding door open
and stepped back.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Wayne, why is there a man dressed like Jack Sparrow in your
van?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I didn’t know what else to do, I couldn’t just leave him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have to do something.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What’s wrong with him?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Did he pass out?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No, he’s dead.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My head snapped toward Wayne and then I grabbed the door to
the van and slammed it shut.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You brought a dead man to my house!”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I told you, I didn’t know what else to do!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re my best friend so I came here.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What do want me to do?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I don’t know what to do with a body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Get him out of here!”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Please Kevin, you have to help me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know where else to go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I swear it was an accident.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t mean to kill him.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t know if it was the look of desperation or the years
of history we had, but the next thing I knew I was sitting in the passenger
seat of a beat up gold minivan being driven by a terrified legionnaire with an
expired pirate buckled into the backseat.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Wayne, why did you put a seat belt on him?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not sure that was necessary.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Does it look to you like I’m thinking clearly?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m barely holding it together man!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“We have to take him to the hospital, Wayne.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know that right?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“We can’t take him to the hospital. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll get arrested as soon as we drop him off.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“How exactly did he die Wayne?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He pulled the van over to the side of the road and looked
down at his lap.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I hit him with the car…..twice.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Are you joking?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How
do you run over someone twice?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I was leaving the costume party and I wasn’t looking behind
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was standing behind the van I
guess.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I heard a thump…so I
stopped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was laying on the ground.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I narrowed my eyes and glanced over at him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard, but it was an
accident.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why didn’t you just call an
ambulance?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You said you hit him twice?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m getting there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So I panicked and loaded him in the van.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was on my way to the hospital when I blew a tire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pulled over to change the tire and I guess
he woke up and stumbled off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was in
such a hurry I didn’t notice until I drove off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I looked behind me to see where he had gone…and that’s when I ran over
him the second time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was standing by
the side of the road.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“So what are we going to do with him?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Kevin, I know this is crazy, but hear me out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We're gonna to take him to Wal-Mart.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Okay, you’re crazy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In fact, I would ask to get out but you would probably run over me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What on earth are you going to do with him at
Wal-Mart?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Just help me move him once we get there okay?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We pulled into the mostly deserted Wal-Mart parking lot and
Wayne stopped the van.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’ll be right back.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He jumped out of the van and ran toward the entrance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not long after going inside I see the vague
silhouette of a Roman soldier riding toward the van on one of those motorized
scooters, like a slow motion Spartacus.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Wayne, what are you doing?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Help me get him on the scooter.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We managed to get the body on the scooter and Wayne used
bungee cords to somehow make him stay upright. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We wrapped his hand around the throttle and
Wayne tied a plastic bag around it to keep it tight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We pointed him toward the entrance and let
him go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We watched as he rolled up to
the doors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They automatically opened
creating a surreal sort of heaven experience as he disappeared into the
light.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Hurry, let’s go!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Wayne screamed as he jumped back into the van.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
According to the paper the next day, he rolled right past
the elderly greeter and down the aisle toward the back of the store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two kids, thinking he was role playing
engaged him with Nerf swords and accidentally redirected him toward the ladies
dressing room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He drove through the
dressing room coming out the other side wearing a leopard print bra like an eye
patch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eyewitnesses say he rolled down
the frozen food aisle before cutting off an obese woman who proceeded to chase
him on her own motorized scooter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
chase ended when she pulled a handgun from her purse and shot him three times
and he toppled off his scooter knocking over a liquor display.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I leave my phone on silent these days.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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